When I was in school, a movie was released with a title that, although unrelated to my life, somehow fixed itself in my mind. Every now and then, it pops up whenever unique situations arise. It lay dormant for years but started resurfacing in my late thirties. This isn’t entirely about me but stems from my observations and perceptions.
It’s often observed that the birth of a boy is celebrated, while the birth of a girl doesn’t receive the same enthusiasm. For centuries, girls have faced oppression and injustice—a painful reality that cannot be ignored. Yet, I’ve always wondered why families are so exuberant and proud when a boy is born. In trying to understand this, I’ve begun to see the complex situation of men around me.
Middle-class Indian men aged 30-55 often find themselves under immense societal pressure that significantly affects their mental and emotional well-being. During their school and college years, these boys are lively and full of potential, enjoying what can be considered the best period of their lives.
However, upon entering adulthood, they face a harsh reality that feels as if a part of their soul dies. This sudden shift from being treated like a prince to bearing overwhelming responsibilities can be shocking. One moment, they are the cherished centre of attention; the next, they are made to feel guilty for simply being themselves.
In their early years, boys are often indulged with whatever they desire, regardless of the family’s financial condition. This pampering continues until they reach their mid-twenties, creating an expectation of unending support and freedom. Yet, as they step into adulthood, they are abruptly burdened with expectations for which they are unprepared.
Families may intentionally avoid preparing their sons for future duties to maintain control. By initially providing everything, they create a sense of indebtedness. Later, they leverage this by reminding the sons of the sacrifices made—paying for education, providing a comfortable life—to compel them to fulfil familial duties. This strategy can trap men in a cycle of guilt and obligation.
Over time, as they continuously absorb these pressures, they may become numb, losing their zest for life. Their souls feel depleted, and they become “dead men walking,” merely existing to complete their duties. They are expected to set aside personal aspirations and individuality to become the strong, stoic providers their families demand. Expressing vulnerability is often stigmatised, leading to suppressed emotions and unaddressed mental health issues.
The fear of disappointing their families discourages them from pursuing personal passions or taking risks, such as starting a business or following unconventional career paths. Instead, they are steered toward secure jobs that guarantee financial stability for the family. This environment hinders the pursuit of individual dreams and stifles innovation, leaving them with no further expectations from life.
Navigating evolving social dynamics adds another layer of complexity. Balancing traditional familial duties with modern expectations of gender equality can create internal conflicts. While society is increasingly acknowledging mental health and the importance of individual fulfilment, these men may find it difficult to seek support due to entrenched norms. The pressure is further compounded when they are expected to conform to changing societal roles without adequate guidance or support.
Addressing these complexities requires a collective effort to acknowledge and alleviate the burdens placed on middle-class Indian men. Families should strive to prepare all children equally for future responsibilities, fostering an environment where personal aspirations are valued regardless of gender. Open dialogue can help dismantle the stigma around expressing vulnerability, encouraging men to share their struggles without fear of judgment.
By easing the abrupt transition into adulthood and reducing the reliance on guilt as a motivator,we can help these men navigate their roles more comfortably and authentically. Recognising and vilifying their experiences is a crucial step toward building a more empathetic and supportive society. It’s time to reexamine our cultural narratives and ensure that no one feels like a “dead man walking” in a world full of possibilities.
I dedicate this article to all brothers, fathers, husbands, and sons. Let us keep an open eye for any “dead man walking” among us. If you notice someone carrying this invisible burden, reach out to him. Engage in conversation, offer your support, and help him find relief. By fostering understanding and open dialogue, we can help these men rediscover their vitality and live more fulfilling lives.
– Kaustubh Purohit | Profile